I had this idea after talking to my niece, who, at the age of 14, was getting into horror movies at a similar age as I did. I would recommend landmark genre movies, and it was interesting to gauge how attitudes had changed towards these characters over the years.
We open with an aerial shot of a group of people sitting in a circle. The room is dark and the lighting is soft and low, so we only get a vague picture of the cast. We can hear heavy breathing. Cut to a female doctor. She looks warm and caring and has an American accent. She also looks young, which is in stark contrast to the rest of the cast.
DOCTOR
OK, thanks for coming today guys, you don’t know what a huge difference you’ve made just by being here! Now, who’s going to get us started?
Cut to a man in a white mask. The heavy breathing gets louder. As soon as the man starts speaking, the heavy breathing stops. He is lively and upbeat.
MICHAEL
OK, I guess I’ll go first. Hey guys, my name’s Michael! I used to murder babysitters.
Cut back to Doctor. She looks sympathetic but concerned
MICHAEL
So anyways, I was trying to kill this one babysitter, and she was hiding in a closet — a sitting duck. I was smashing my way through the door, grunting to freak her out like, “Eurgh! Urr!”
Michael acts out his slow, methodical movements of breaking down the closet door, and animal grunting.
MICHAEL
…And like a dumb-ass, I dropped my butcher’s knife. She picked it up and plunged the damned thing through my left eye socket, right into my brain. So I’m lying there feeling like I got my ass handed to me, when a strange thought pops into my head: “I’m not dead… Awesome! I’m unstoppable — I can kill as many babysitters as I like!” So I sat up. She didn’t see because she had her back to me, but it looked creepy as fuck! So, then I just carried on killing babysitters!
DOCTOR
What happened to the babysitter who killed you?
MICHAEL
Yeah… I don’t really like to talk about her, it’s a bit of a trigger for me.
DOCTOR
Sorry Michael, I didn’t mean to be insensitive.
MICHAEL
That’s OK doctor. I lost my left eye, so I’m still a bit sore about it.
DOCTOR
That’s a sad loss Michael, I guess that could affect your field of vision?
MICHAEL
No shit! Toss me a frisbee and it bounces off the bridge of my fucking nose!
Michael puts a hand up to his mouth
MICHAEL
Sorry, doctor…
DOCTOR
That’s OK Michael, continue.
MICHAEL
Anyways, things changed recently when I saw the Hannah Gadsby special on Netflix. And I kinda thought, maybe all this babysitter murdering is… a bit excessive? So, next time a babysitter kills me, I guess I’ll just kinda, stay dead?
DOCTOR
Thank you Michael, that’s very brave.
Cut back to Michael. We see a hand pat him on the right shoulder. The hand is wearing a glove with knives protruding from the fingers
[from out of shot, and in his trademark distorted growl voice]
FREDDY
Well done, Michael!
The camera now pans right to Freddy, who sounds hesitant and remorseful
FREDDY
Hey guys, the name’s Freddy. I used to kill children in their dreams. Only, I didn’t just kill them…
Sounding increasingly excited and mischievous
I terrorised them so that when they died, they were trapped in an eternal nightmare!
Does his evil cackle, then sounding remorseful again
But then recently, I watched the Michael Jackson documentary, and I thought, maybe terrorising children is… bad? No pun intended, haha! I mean, I don’t want to shit on anyone’s hobbies, but right now we need to be more compassionate and conscientious towards young people.
MICHAEL
Nodding slowly
Totally!
FREDDY
So, next time I kill a child, I’ll just do it really quickly so they don’t die in terror.
DOCTOR
That’s a big improvement Freddy, but do you think there’s something you can do to children in their sleep other than kill them?
FREDDY
Urrrrr…
Taps his index finger knife on his chin
MICHAEL
You could sing them a nice song?
FREDDY
Uh, I’ll be honest, I don’t have the best singing voice.
MICHAEL
Oh, come oooon!
FREDDY
No, seriously, I can’t carry a tune. It would be kinder just to kill them.
DOCTOR
Sternly
Freddy…
FREDDY
Pulling off his glove in disgust
…OK, OK! I guess I won’t kill any more kids then!
Reluctantly throws his glove to the floor, slouches in his chair, and folds his arms like a petulant teenager
FREDDY
This is fucking gaslighting, man!
Camera pans right to an elderly, studious gentleman in a suit. He has white hair and a Dutch accent
VAN HELSING
My name ist Abraham, and I used to kill wampires. At first, I conwinced myself that wampires ver evil and I was doing it for ze good of yumanity. But, aster a while, I realised I was doing it for ze enjoyment. And zen, I saw ze Twilight movies, and I realised zat maybe yumans and wampires could live togezer, in harmony.
We hear a hiss, and a man with sharp fangs emerges from screen right. Without turning his head or changing expression, Van Helsing holds up a cross in his left hand, in front of the man’s face
VAN HELSING
Remember what ve talked about, Dracula?
DRACULA
Ah yes. Sorry, Abe.
VAN HELSING
And you left the front door unlocked all night, AGAIN!
DRACULA
Yes, sorry.
DOCTOR
Well, it’s great to hear you’re making an effort. Well done to you both, you’re very brave!
The camera pans right, from Van Helsing and Dracula, to a man wearing a dirty white apron, and a mask that appears to be fashioned from human skin
LEATHERFACE
Hey guys! I’m Leatherface, and I used to cut people up, cook them on a barbecue, and eat them.
DRACULA
Awesome!
LEATHERFACE
But, then I watched Blue Planet…
FREDDY
Yeah, Attenborough kicks ass
LEATHERFACE
…and I realised that this —
From out of shot, Leatherface produces a chainsaw. He flicks it on, it buzzes loudly. He swings it around in his distinctive manner, then switches it off
LEATHERFACE
This isn’t great for my carbon footprint
Cut to Dracula, grimacing and waving the fumes from his nose
LEATHERFACE
So, now I’m going to cut people up with a handsaw and cook them in an energy-efficient oven.
DOCTOR
Hmmm… can you think of something you could cut up and eat, apart from people?
LEATHERFACE
Ummm…
DRACULA
Cows?
LEATHERFACE
Turns to Dracula, sounding positive
Oh yeah! Cool!
VAN HELSING
Or vegetables?
LEATHERFACE
Drops his head
Aww…
DRACULA
Turns to Van Helsing
Why do you always have to shit on everyone’s parade?
VAN HELSING
Please, Dracula! Not in public!
LEATHERFACE
Actually, I’m thinking about people from your generation, Doctor. Cows produce a lot of methane gas, which is bad for the environment.
DRACULA
Mumbles to Van Helsing
Bit of mansplaining going on here…
Van Helsing frowns in a “maybe” kind of gesture
LEATHERFACE
Oh, you’re totally right Drac, thanks for pulling me up on that. Sorry, Doctor…
DOCTOR
That’s OK, but yes, I am aware of the negative impact of methane gas on the environment. But I’m glad it’s an ongoing concern for you, Leatherface. Carry on —
LEATHERFACE
Thanks. Well, based on my environmental concerns, maybe I’ll just cut up chickens and eat them instead. I guess…
MICHAEL
Actually, there are some awesome plant-based alternatives now, Leatherface. Like, yesterday I had some Quorn chicken pieces — they’re healthy, vegan, and good for the environment.
LEATHERFACE
Can I cut them up with my handsaw?
MICHAEL
Well, they’re already in pieces, so you don’t have to cut them up, really.
LEATHERFACE
Oh… Can I smash them up with my mallet?
MICHAEL
Well, yeah, I guess you can…
LEATHERFACE
OK. Then I’m going to smash up some vegan Quorn pieces with my mallet, and eat them, instead of cows and chickens.
FREDDY
Or people!
Freddy is still sore that he’s been told not to kill any more children
LEATHERFACE
Oh yeah, yeah. I won’t eat people, either.
Leatherface reluctantly drops his chainsaw, it thuds to the floor
DOCTOR
Great job, Leatherface! Well done!
The camera pans right, to a badly decomposed man in a hockey mask. He is holding a machete. He tosses the machete on the floor, and begins doing sign language. His dialogue is presented via subtitles
JASON
Hi, my name is Jason. I murdered a lot of teenagers at Camp Crystal Lake. I don’t even know how many, like, maybe 200?
MICHAEL
Awesome numbers, man!
LEATHERFACE
Yeah, that rocks!
DOCTOR
Why do you think you murdered all those teenagers Jason? Do you hate young people?
JASON
No, not at all, the kids are cool! I hated that darned camp! The washrooms stink, the cabins are falling apart, and considering the available amenities, it’s way overpriced! Oh yeah, and I drowned there, too. The stewarding is atrocious. So I was partly murdering people just to show how bad the security is, lol!
A murmur of chuckles from the other characters
But it was crazy, it’s like, how many teenagers do I have to slaughter before these dumb fucks stop coming to this shitty camp?
DRACULA
Yar, that’s really frustrating!
JASON
Yeah. And I killed them humanely, as quickly as possible. Like, I would impale them, or even better, decapitate them with my machete.
FREDDY
I would’ve said, “Don’t lose your head!” Hahaha!
DRACULA
Muttering under his breath to Van Helsing
I’m nearly a thousand years old, and that’s pretty much the worst joke I ever heard.
Van Helsing nods in agreement
JASON
Yeah. But then I saw Joker, and I realised that people are fascinated by villains! I was trying to scare people away from the place, but it turns out, I was advertising it!
DOCTOR
It sounds like killing hasn’t really solved your problems, Jason.
The camera cuts back to Jason, but the chair is empty. The camera spins round to reveal that Jason has teleported to a chair on the opposite side of the circle
DRACULA
Stop doing that Jason! It’s really unnerving!
MICHAEL
Yeah man, y’know, I like to loom up on people and make them jump, but that takes skill and timing. Your teleportation thing… it’s kinda breaking the rules, dude
DRACULA
Listen, guys! I’m a shape-shifter. It’s kind of amazing, I can just transform at will into all kinds of creatures,
At this point, Michael “looms up” on Dracula, his distinctive mask appearing from the darkness behind him, we hear the droning Halloween synth music
DRACULA
Shrieks
MICHAEL
Shrugs nonchalantly
See what I mean?
DRACULA
Sarcastically
Yeah, well done Michael! That’s some first-rate looming, and Jason’s teleporting around the place, cut it out guys! I am also supernaturally gifted. Like, I can terrify the hell out of anyone by shape-shifting into a bat! But I don’t do it here, because this is a safe space, and it freaks people out!
MICHAEL
Actually I gotta say, I don’t actually find bats that scary.
FREDDY
Yeah… more than anyone else, I know what terrifies kids — and bats don’t work anymore. Like, I was stalking this little girl, and I put her in a basement with like 300 bats. The kid thought she was in a nature reserve or some shit, little fucker started meditating…
LEATHERFACE
Yeah, bats are kind of old school. I like to think I brought a more modern take to terrorising teenagers…
VAN HELSING
Vell, I still sink bats are pretty scary, Dracula.
DOCTOR
Yeah, a lot of my patients have anxiety issues about bats. They’re creepy.
DRACULA
Exactly! Sank you. Bats vill always be scary.
We see the aerial shot again, and it’s the same as the first shot. Only this time, all the villain’s weapons are in a heap in the centre of the circle
DOCTOR
OK guys, amazing work from you all today! But before we finish up, I just want to go around the group one final time.
Doctor stands up, and looks slowly around the group. In a flash, she picks up the chainsaw and flicks it on
MICHAEL
Screaming above the noise of the chainsaw
No! What are you doing?
LEATHERFACE
You’re killing the planet! Think about Greta!
Jason is signing frantically
JASON
You don’t have to do this! We’ve changed!
Screaming maniacally, Doctor swings the chainsaw around, decapitating the entire group with a single swing. With the chainsaw still buzzing loudly, we cut to a closeup of Doctor. She is laughing/screaming hysterically, as the blood rains down on her face. The screen blacks out, and in big red letters, we see the title card:
WOKE HORROR!
Cut to: the same aerial shot of the room, but this time the chairs are empty. It is daylight, and silent. The Doctor has gone, and so has the chainsaw and the machete. The heads and bodies of the group are strewn around the blood-soaked floor
Cut to Jason’s decapitated body, which signs:
JASON
I’m still not dead, but this fucking sucks!
MICHAEL
No shit, dude!
A frisbee hits Michael on the bridge of the nose
MICHAEL
Ow! Fuck you, Freddy!
Cut to Freddy, his decapitated head is sitting on his lap
FREDDY
Evil cackle
DRACULA
Ah… my head! I think we just experienced some toxic femininity!
MICHAEL
Where did she go anyway??
DRACULA
I don’t know, but Hannibal should be shitting in his pants
Dracula licks some black blood from his upper lip
DRACULA
Excited
Wait a second! Michael — are you a virgin?
Dracula hungrily licks his lips, then pokes his tongue upwards, making straining noises, and trying hopelessly to reach more of Michael’s black virgin blood.
Fade to black. We hear a chainsaw rev up
CREDITS
© James Everard, 2023
Photo by Enrique Guzmán Egas on Unsplash
J Everard Design 